Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 6

Printer Friendly

Intensity Options and Factors to Consider

Deciding on intensity

It is important to figure out how intense you should make a request (asking) or how intensely you should refuse someone else's request (say no)
Basically, the more factors you have in a situation, the more intense your request should be. The fewer factors the less intense your request.

Situations where you are Asking for something or saying NO

Circle Yes or No and then total the YES's or NO's. This will give you the intensity rating that will help guide you in acting out what you would like to say.


HIGH INTENSITY: TRY AND CHANGE THE SITUATION



Total of YES for asking


Intensity Rating


Total for NO to say NO


Ask firmly, insist


6


Refuse firmly, don't give in


Ask firmly, resist no


5


Refuse firmly, resist giving in


Ask firmly, take no


4


Refuse firmly, but reconsider


Ask tentatively, take no


3


Express unwillingness


Hint openly, take no


2


Express unwillingness, but say yes


Hint indirectly, take no


1


Express hesitancy, say yes


Don't ask, don't hint


0


Do what other wants without being asked



IF LOW INTENSITY: ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS

Factors to Consider

1. PRIORITIES:
Objectives - very important? Increase intensity
Relationship - very tenuous? Consider reducing intensity
Self-respect - on the line? Intensity should fit values


2. CAPABILITIES
Does the person have what you want? (asking) YES NO
Does I have what the other person wants? (saying no)


3. TIMELINESS
Is this a good time to ask? Is the other person in a good mood, paying attention, likely to say yes?(asking) YES NO
Is this a bad time to say no? (saying no)


4. HOMEWORK
Do I know all the facts?, Is my goal clear? Is my request clear (asking) YES NO
Is the other person's request clear? (saying no)


5. AUTHORITY
Am I responsible for directing this person? (asking) YES NO
Does the person have the authority to ask me to do what they are requesting? (saying no)


6. RIGHTS
Is the other person required (by law or moral code) to give me what I want? (asking) YES NO
Am I required to give this person what she is asking for? Does saying no violate her rights? (saying no)


7. RELATIONSHIP
Is what I want appropriate to our relationship? (asking) YES NO
Is this request appropriate to our relationship? (saying no)


8. RECIPROCITY
Have I done at least as much for the other person as I am requesting? Am I willing to give if the other person says yes? (asking) YES NO
Does this person give me a lot? Do I owe this person? (saying no)


9. GOALS
Would being submissive result in peace now, but create problems in the long run? (asking) YES NO
Is short term peace more important that the long term health of the relationship? (saying no)


10. RESPECT
Am I careful to avoid acting helpless when this is not the case? Do I usually do things for myself? (asking) YES NO
Will saying no result in me feeling badly about myself? Does wise mind say yes? (saying no)


SUM OF RESPONSES: YES NO (ASKING) OR YES NO (TO SAYING NO OR NOT)
What ever you got as the sum for the above factors will determine the intensity rating that will help you to decide how to handle the particular situation that you find yourself in.

[DBT Self Help] [What is DBT?] [DBT Skills (defined)] [Connecting Skills] [DBT Lessons] [DBT Video Text] [Everyday DBT] [Instant Mindfulness] [Instant Access DBT] [Links] [About this Website] [Mission Statement] [Site Map] [Contact] [Donations] [ANGELS] [Letters of Affirmation] [Contributions] [Copyrights]

© 2003 - 2012 by Lisa Dietz. Please read the Copyright Page to learn how you may or may not use these materials.