Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 8

Printer Friendly

Guidelines for Objective Effectiveness:

Getting What You Want

A way to remember these skills is to remember:
DEAR MAN


DESCRIBE
Describe the situation when necessary - sometimes it isn't stick to the facts and no judgmental statements
"I've been working here for 2 years now and haven't received a raise, even though my performance reviews have always been positive"
"This is the third time this week that you've asked me for a ride home."


EXPRESS
Express feelings/opinions about the situation clearly.
describe how you feel or what you believe about the situation.
don't expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel give a brief reason for making your request.
"I believe that I deserve a raise."
"I'm getting home so late that it is really hard for me and my family. But I also really enjoy giving you rides home, and it is hard for me to say no."


ASSERT
Assert your wishes.
Ask for what you want.
Say no clearly.
Don't expect the other person to know what you want them to do if you don't tell them (don't expect them to mind read).
Don't tell others what they "should" do.
Don't beat around the bush...Just bite the bullet and ask, or say no
"I would like a raise. Can you give it to me?
"But I have to say no tonight. I can't give you a ride home so often."


REINFORCE
Reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something, say no or express an opinion.
Sometimes it helps to reinforce people before they respond to your question by telling them the positive effects of getting what you want or need.
The basic idea here is that if people do not gain form complying with a request, at least some of the time, they may stop responding in a positive way
"I will be a lot happier and probably more productive if I get a salary that reflects my value to the company."
"Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate it."


STAY MINDFUL
Keep your focus on your objectives in the situation
Maintain your position
Don't be distracted on to another topic
Two helpful techniques for staying mindful:
1.
Broken Record
 Keep asking, saying no or expressing your opinion...over and over and over
You just don't have to think up something new each time, just keep saying the exact same thing. Keep a mellow tone of voice....your strength comes from maintaining your position
2. Ignore
If the other person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ....IGNORE, the
threats comments or efforts to divert you. Just keep making your point. If you respond to these attacks, you have allowed the other person to take control of the situation
If you want to deal with the attacks...deal with them in another discussion.


APPEAR CONFIDENT
Confident tone of voice
Confident physical manner
Appropriate eye contact
No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, etc...
How confident to act in a situation is a judgment call. There is a fine line between appearing arrogant, and appearing too apologetic.


NEGOTIATE
Be willing to give to get
Offer and ask for alternate solutions
Reduce your request
Maintain your no, but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way
A helpful skill here is "turning the tables." Turn the problem over to the other person, ask for alternative solutions.
"What do you think we can do." "I am not able to say yes, but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?"
"How can we solve this problem?"


Using DEAR MAN skills in really difficult situations
Some people have really good skills themselves, and keep refusing your legitimate requests, or pestering you to do something you don't want to do.
*Use the same "DEAR MAN" skills, but change the focus to the current interaction.
1. Describe the current interaction
"You keep asking me over and over again even though I have already said no."
Avoid blaming the other person...i.e. don't say "you just don't want to hear me"
2. Express your opinions/feelings of discomfort about the interaction
I'm not sure that you understand what I am asking"
I'm starting to feel angry about this."
3. Assert your wishes
when the other person is refusing a request, suggest that you put off the conversation to another time
Give the person another chance to think about it
When the other person is pestering you, ask them to stop
4. Reinforce
when saying no to someone who keeps asking....suggest that you end the conversation because you aren't going to change your mind anyway
Relationships Effectiveness Skills...using skills to maintain or improve a relationship, while you are trying to get what you want.

[DBT Self Help] [What is DBT?] [DBT Skills (defined)] [Connecting Skills] [DBT Lessons] [DBT Video Text] [Everyday DBT] [Instant Mindfulness] [Instant Access DBT] [Links] [About this Website] [Mission Statement] [Site Map] [Contact] [Donations] [ANGELS] [Letters of Affirmation] [Contributions] [Copyrights]

© 2003 - 2012 by Lisa Dietz. Please read the Copyright Page to learn how you may or may not use these materials.