Dialectics is an absolute core to DBT. It’s the D in DBT, after all! Dialectics means that two opposing ideas can be true at the same time. The concept reminds us that
- The universe is filled with opposing forces.
- Everyone’s truth is always true from their perspective.
- There is more than one way to solve a problem
- Everything and every person is connected
- Change is the only constant
- Meaning and truth evolve over time
- Each moment is new
- Reality changes with each moment
- Change is transactional; what we do influences our environment and others in it and what happens in the environment influences us.
But how do we incorporate dialectics into our lives?
Look for both sides
- Ask your Wise Mind, “what am I missing?”
- Let go of extremes. Change ‘but’ for ‘and,’ ‘always’ or ‘never’ to ‘sometimes’
- Balance opposites; validate both sides when you disagree, accept reality, and work to change
- Make lemonade out of lemons- make the best of a bad situation
- Embrace confusion
- Use metaphors and storytelling to free the mind
Be aware that you’re connected
- Treat others the way you want to be treated
- Look for similarities between people instead of differences
- Notice the physical connections among all things
Embrace change
- Throw yourself into change instead of fearing it
- Practice radical acceptance of change when things change in a way you don’t like
- Practice getting used to change by making small changes regularly.
Change is transactional
- Pay attention to your effect on others (and how they affect you)
- Practice letting go of blame for yourself and others by looking for how experiences over time may have caused current behaviors.
- Reminder yourself that all things, including behaviors, are caused (the idea that often trauma begets trauma)
Examples of dialectics
- I am doing the best that I can AND I can do better
- I am tough AND I am gentle
- I am independent AND I need help sometimes (and others can be the same way)
- I want to be alone AND I crave connection
- I can share some things with others aND I can keep some things private
- I can by by myself AND still be connected to others
- I can be with others AND be lonely
- I cannot get along with one group AND I can fit in perfectly in another group
- I can accept myself or someone else the way they are AND still want them to change
- At times I need to tolerate AND control my emotions
- I may have a valid reason for believing what I believe AND I can be wrong
- Someone may have a valid reason to want something from you AND I have a valid reason for saying no
- The day can be sunny AND it can rain
- I can be mad at someone AND love and respect that person
- I can be mad at myself AND love myself
- I can disagree with someone AND be friends
- I can disagree with the rules AND follow them
- I can understand someone’s behaviors AND disagree with it and ask them to change
Important Opposites to Balance
- Accepting reality AND working to change it
- Validating yourself and others AND acknowledging errors
- Working AND resting
- Doing things you need to do AND doing things you want to do
- Working on improving yourself AND accepting yourself as you are
- Problem solving AND problem acceptance
- Emotion regulation AND emotion acceptance
- Doing something on your own AND asking for help
- Independence AND dependence
- Openness AND privacy
- Trust AND suspicion
- Watching and observing AND participating
- Taking from others AND giving to others
- Focusing on yourself AND focusing on others
What dialectics would you add?