Dialectics is an absolute core to DBT. It’s the D in DBT, after all! Dialectics means that two opposing ideas can be true at the same time. The concept reminds us that
- The universe is filled with opposing forces.
- Everyone’s truth is always true from their perspective.
- There is more than one way to solve a problem
- Everything and every person is connected
- Change is the only constant
- Meaning and truth evolve over time
- Each moment is new
- Reality changes with each moment
- Change is transactional; what we do influences our environment and others in it and what happens in the environment influences us.
But how do we incorporate dialectics into our lives?
- Look for both sides
- Ask your Wise Mind, “what am I missing?”
- Let go of extremes. Change ‘but’ for ‘and,’ ‘always’ or ‘never’ to ‘sometimes’
- Balance opposites; validate both sides when you disagree, accept reality, and work to change
- Make lemonade out of lemons- make the best of a bad situation
- Embrace confusion
- Use metaphors and storytelling to free the mind
- Be aware that you’re connected
- Treat others the way you want to be treated
- Look for similarities between people instead of differences
- Notice the physical connections among all things
- Embrace change
- Throw yourself into change instead of fearing it
- Practice radical acceptance of change when things change in a way you don’t like
- Practice getting used to change by making small changes regularly.
- Change is transactional
- Pay attention to your effect on others (and how they affect you)
- Practice letting go of blame for yourself and others by looking for how experiences over time may have caused current behaviors.
- Reminder yourself that all things, including behaviors, are caused (the idea that often trauma begets trauma)
Examples of dialectics
- I am doing the best that I can AND I can do better
- I am tough AND I am gentle
- I am independent AND I need help sometimes (and others can be the same way)
- I want to be alone AND I crave connection
- I can share some things with others aND I can keep some things private
- I can by by myself AND still be connected to others
- I can be with others AND be lonely
- I cannot get along with one group AND I can fit in perfectly in another group
- I can accept myself or someone else the way they are AND still want them to change
- At times I need to tolerate AND control my emotions
- I may have a valid reason for believing what I believe AND I can be wrong
- Someone may have a valid reason to want something from you AND I have a valid reason for saying no
- The day can be sunny AND it can rain
- I can be mad at someone AND love and respect that person
- I can be mad at myself AND love myself
- I can disagree with someone AND be friends
- I can disagree with the rules AND follow them
- I can understand someone’s behaviors AND disagree with it and ask them to change
Important Opposites to Balance
- Accepting reality AND working to change it
- Validating yourself and others AND acknowledging errors
- Working AND resting
- Doing things you need to do AND doing things you want to do
- Working on improving yourself AND accepting yourself as you are
- Problem solving AND problem acceptance
- Emotion regulation AND emotion acceptance
- Doing something on your own AND asking for help
- Independence AND dependence
- Openness AND privacy
- Trust AND suspicion
- Watching and observing AND participating
- Taking from others AND giving to others
- Focusing on yourself AND focusing on others
What dialectics would you add?