Dialectics

Dialectics is an absolute core to DBT. It’s the D in DBT, after all! Dialectics means that two opposing ideas can be true at the same time. The concept reminds us that

  • The universe is filled with opposing forces. 
  • Everyone’s truth is always true from their perspective. 
  • There is more than one way to solve a problem
  • Everything and every person is connected 
  • Change is the only constant
  • Meaning and truth evolve over time
  • Each moment is new
  • Reality changes with each moment
  • Change is transactional; what we do influences our environment and others in it and what happens in the environment influences us. 

But how do we incorporate dialectics into our lives?

  • Look for both sides
    • Ask your Wise Mind, “what am I missing?”
    • Let go of extremes. Change ‘but’ for ‘and,’ ‘always’ or ‘never’ to ‘sometimes’
    • Balance opposites; validate both sides when you disagree, accept reality, and work to change
    • Make lemonade out of lemons- make the best of a bad situation
    • Embrace confusion
    • Use metaphors and storytelling to free the mind
  • Be aware that you’re connected
    • Treat others the way you want to be treated
    • Look for similarities between people instead of differences
    • Notice the physical connections among all things
  • Embrace change
    • Throw yourself into change instead of fearing it
    • Practice radical acceptance of change when things change in a way you don’t like
    • Practice getting used to change by making small changes regularly.
  • Change is transactional
    • Pay attention to your effect on others (and how they affect you)
    • Practice letting go of blame for yourself and others by looking for how experiences over time may have caused current behaviors.
    • Reminder yourself that all things, including behaviors, are caused (the idea that often trauma begets trauma)

Examples of dialectics

  • I am doing the best that I can AND I can do better
  • I am tough AND I am gentle
  • I am independent AND I need help sometimes (and others can be the same way)
  • I want to be alone AND I crave connection
  • I can share some things with others aND I can keep some things private
  • I can by by myself AND still be connected to others
  • I can be with others AND be lonely
  • I cannot get along with one group AND I can fit in perfectly in another group
  • I can accept myself or someone else the way they are AND still want them to change
  • At times I need to tolerate AND control my emotions
  • I may have a valid reason for believing what I believe AND I can be wrong
  • Someone may have a valid reason to want something from you AND I have a valid reason for saying no
  • The day can be sunny AND it can rain
  • I can be mad at someone AND love and respect that person
  • I can be mad at myself AND love myself
  • I can disagree with someone AND be friends
  • I can disagree with the rules AND follow them
  • I can understand someone’s behaviors AND disagree with it and ask them to change

Important Opposites to Balance

  • Accepting reality AND working to change it
  • Validating yourself and others AND acknowledging errors
  • Working AND resting
  • Doing things you need to do AND doing things you want to do
  • Working on improving yourself AND accepting yourself as you are
  • Problem solving AND problem acceptance
  • Emotion regulation AND emotion acceptance
  • Doing something on your own AND asking for help
  • Independence AND dependence
  • Openness AND privacy
  • Trust AND suspicion
  • Watching and observing AND participating
  • Taking from others AND giving to others
  • Focusing on yourself AND focusing on others

What dialectics would you add?