This year my wife and I celebrated 9 years of marriage. What’s the secret? How did you steer away from divorce? Short answer, Jesus! 

I’m not going to spend the next few paragraphs preaching, though I could. If you’re familiar with DBT, you’re probably familiar with the spiritual component, why is important?  Because to heal, to recover, it’s so much easier to feel like you’re not alone.

Whatever feeling, spirit, or being is for you, be encouraged in your journey. I’m going to invite you to keep this in mind as you read ahead.

When I was introduced to DBT, I had also just met BPD. A personality disorder? How am I supposed to believe I’m worth anything now?  Short answer, Jesus!

I have struggled my whole life in believing I was any good. Scrapping for any validation and then dismissing those who wouldn’t give it to me. I wanted so desperately to be loved, to be held, to be valued, but nothing was ever good enough. A hallmark of BPD is Black or White thinking or Splitting.

My wife has loved me from the very start and asked for so little in return. I have treated her as if she’s perfect and I’m garbage… that’s the splitting.

I have gaslit her, and turned her observations, feelings, and concerns into personal attacks on me. I’ve made her feel less than, and even crazy. I’ve imprisoned her in my emotions, and made her carry me.

So, why would she stay?

Short answer, Jesus.

How does this relate to DBT? Gratitude, as distraction tool and a mindfulness technique.

Two days ago I heard my favorite podcaster, Rose Skeeters (From Borderline to Beautiful) say something about love, “love is my life for yours.”

Meaning that when someone loves you, it’s a sacrifice, and if you aren’t receiving it, you could be sending a message that the love being given isn’t enough.

The gut punch when I heard that phrase came on the heels of realizing that I was totally backsliding from everything I’ve  learned this year. I was reacting to everything I perceived as a criticism looping them all together and throwing them back at my wife and kids.

I heard Rose say that, and I went, but I love them, why can’t I receive it from them?

It’s only been 2 days so far but whenever those old feelings come up, I stop and say “my life for yours,” sometimes out loud and sometimes in my head. It’s healing my heart even in a short time and when I don’t get what I want, when I want to be unkind to myself, I think about Jesus saying it.

I hope this encourages you my friends.

Go forward and love and be love.

-Greg