Throughout every Holiday season that I can remember, I’ve referred to to myself as Clark W. Griswold (from the movie Christmas Vacation). I always thought that was because of my love of the holiday, and the relentless pursuit of the perfect “old fashioned family Christmas.”

I realized something just this morning as I was coming to grips with the fact that I’m not as holly or jolly as in years past. It’s worth noting that is year I’ve had to accept that I’ve become an orphan. My father died 19 years ago, and I chose to walk away from my relationship with my mother a year ago, which has limited interaction with that side of the family. Honestly the part of the orphaning I chose has been the best choice for me and my family.

It occurred to me; In the movie Clark (played by Chevy Chase) sets an incredible, yet unrealistic expectation for his family to have the perfect Christmas, based on the nostalgia of years passed. Through that lens, Clark becomes all too familiar with my own experiences. High expectations, emotional spillage on my wife and kids, making up for those crappy moments by spending too much to buy forgiveness for being dysregulated.

As Christmas Vacation unfolds through hilarious failures and dysfunctional missteps (that play more like documentary than a beloved holiday film), we see Clark discover that his memories were rose-tinted. His father confessed at one point that, Jack Daniels whiskey was often a sponsor of their holidays to take the edge off the stress and the disaster of chasing perfection. I could keep this analogy going, but I want you to stay engaged.

As I process this discovery, I came across another nugget from my favorite podcast “From Borderline to Beautiful w/ Rose Skeeters.” Rose was talking about the DBT Skill of Primary and Secondary Emotions.

The other night I received some feedback from my wife about my carrying and embellishing a memory of her brother calling me her ex-boyfriend’s name if I beat him at a board game. I remembered this happening multiple times over the past 11 years, and it being extremely pointed. However, her memory is quite a bit different, not from a place of malice, a complete accident and only happened maybe 2 times. She went on to say when I carry things like that I come off as fueled by shame, embarrassment, and my lack of self esteem truly shows.

I won’t lie, the past couple days have been hard- slipping into the ghosts of Christmas past and the expectation that “perfect” is the only holiday joy. Forget about the other emotional carnage I’m creating, anger is my primary emotion, because I’m not perfect.

What happens next is the secondary emotion of shame that I am acting out of. Shame that I’m not good enough, that I’m always going to be damaged goods. Shame, because somehow my wife is noticing a pattern from last year that totally sent me to crazy town, and telling me it needs to change can only mean that’s strike one and she’s leaving after three strikes. Except that’s not what she said AT ALL.

This woman still loves me, somehow, no matter how I let false narratives contribute to my existence. I have so very much: an incredible life, two gorgeous kids, and a wife that’s just a showstopper. Not one thing is perfect about any of us. What am I doing? I see the pattern so why can’t I stop before she says something?

Wait, I just heard it…it’s not her feedback , it’s what I do with it. She’s just pointing out what she sees, out of love. If love is “my life for yours” (another lesson from Rose Skeeters) then what have I got but an opportunity to be love right back?

Wow, even after the fact, that skill is very powerful.

So maybe next time you watch Christmas Vacation, you’ll see a little of yourself in Clark. Maybe you’ll realize that your intrusive negative thought bank is full and needs emptying. Maybe not, but remember what makes these holiday movies special is what they drudge up in us and how we react. How I react is what creates the Christmas memories.

I want to use a minute to sit in that last line. I am sitting here in from of my tree and think, many of us are celebrating the birth of someone who came to Earth to save us all. The true portrait of love, I was born into a broken world, but none of us have to stay there forever!

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, go forth in love, whether it’s the Hallmark Christmas, or Hanukkah, Festivus, or something else. You are love and are loved, be in that, no matter what false narratives you are believing about yourself.

A very Merry Christmas, friends, we got this.