About 5 years ago I started to have daily struggles with my mind. The biggest one was unmitigated distaste for myself. I had lived 39 years to this point chasing after people and things that would validate that I was good (not great mind you, just basic good). Most of the time I came off as either the most fun or the least fun, never in between.

I was working in a field that made me believe I was special but when I couldn’t compete in the roles I wanted to be in, blame, shame, hatred, and negativity became my best friends. What I didn’t know at that time was that most of those feelings were linked to emotional abuse.

As time progressed I started a journey in finishing a degree, in a field I felt bound to be inspired by. However, working full time, raising a family and going to school was stressful, not to mention my parents moving to town with the agenda for me to take care of them.

I could barely keep myself together, how could I do any of this?

From here things got worse and worse. There were certainly blessings, like finishing that degree and the birth of our son in the beginning of this year. I just couldn’t regulate my emotions, constantly living in every failure, repeating the emotional abuse I was modeled and all but losing my family.

I crashed and temporary separation was the final straw. I needed more than the million prayers I sent up every day, while still feeling and believing nothing good about myself.

Enter The Center: a place of Hope. Where I would meet myself and learn to love him, and meet a new best friend: DBT.

Over six weeks I went to a DBT class every morning for 6 days a week. It wasn’t the full year program, but it became a rhythm I couldn’t function without. When I came home it was rough settling back in and it meant some demons would return. The biggest lesson came from the emotional regulation DBT skill, Checking the Facts! 

I am definitely not perfect at it, but between the 6 questions and really understanding what is actually happening, I’m able to understand and choose my responses.

The relationship that requires this the most is with my wife. To be honest I frequently get it wrong because I miss the moment and end up dissecting the conversation later.

However, identifying the emotion(s) is key, as our lives together span over a decade, and on July 16th will mark 9 of them being married. All these years have yielded emotional deregulation and created fear and holding her hostage with my emotions. So the emotion I’m feeling is usually triggered by some type of feedback and the emotion is almost always SHAME! If I can catch it while it’s happening, I can get away from the oncoming argument.

But, twice this past weekend I couldn’t, resulting in old patterns. Today I’ve forgiven myself. I’m working hard to fight the shame monster, but it’s a daily dance. I still react poorly sometimes. I still find negativity sometimes.

What I know now that I didn’t before is that I am worth investing in. I work every day to have better relationships and to not “should” on myself or others.

In short I am enough, and so are you, so keep going. Stayed tuned for more of my adventures in DBT.

Love is the answer,

Greg