Most of us struggle to get and maintain healthy relationships. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it can be even more challenging. People with BPD generally feel emotions quite intensely, and that can lead to overwhelming feelings in relationships. They might also struggle with fear of abandonment, which can lead to behaviours like clinginess or even pushing people away before they can leave. That being said, building and maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships is possible.

This blog post will help you:

• Understand the potential obstacles you might encounter in a romantic relationship with BPD,
• What Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills can help in your romantic relationships,
• What help you can expect from a supportive partner.

We’ll also give you some tips on how to find a stable and loving relationship.

Obstacles You Might Encounter

Romantic relationships can be challenging for anyone, but for people with BPD, these challenges are often intensified by the way emotions are experienced and processed.

For someone with BPD, emotions and feelings are front and center in all interactions. Emotions are often felt more intensely; even small, minor events can trigger overwhelming responses. What might seem like a minor issue to someone else can feel deeply personal. This sensitivity can lead to misunderstandings or overreactions, especially when interpreting interactions with a partner.

One of the most challenging aspects of BPD in relationships is the tendency to internalise and over-analyze interactions. This doesn’t just apply to romantic partners but to close friends as well.

There’s often a significant fear of abandonment, which can drive intense emotional responses. For instance, if a partner seems less enthusiastic or isn’t as expressive, someone with BPD might interpret this as disinterest or even a sign that the relationship is ending. This fear can lead to a cycle of negative thinking, in which the person convinces themselves that their partner will leave them or decides they are no longer wanted.

Black-and-white thinking is another obstacle. For many with BPD, it can be difficult to see the grey areas in relationships. People are often viewed in extremes: they are either idealised as perfect or suddenly devalued when something goes wrong. This all-or-nothing thinking can lead to instability in relationships. One moment, a partner might be seen as flawless, and the next, a minor disagreement can turn them into the enemy.

The idealisation of partners can also prevent someone from seeing objective red flags. This tendency to project positive traits onto a partner can lead to blurred boundaries, where the relationship is based on how one wishes their partner to be rather than who they actually are. This sets the stage for unstable relationships where emotional swings are common.

When idealisation comes crashing down, devaluation sets in. The partner who once could do no wrong may suddenly seem like a disappointment over something minor. The emotional crash from this shift can feel devastating, making breakups or conflicts especially difficult to handle.

Finally, for individuals with BPD, it’s important to recognise that these obstacles don’t just cause harm within relationships—they also experience harm. The fear of rejection or abandonment can make it difficult to seek out the right partner, and those with BPD can find themselves in relationships where they are hurt or taken advantage of.

Thankfully, there are a range of DBT skills that can help someone with BPD in a relationship.

DBT Skills That Can Help In Relationships

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

One of the core DBT skillsets that helps in relationships is interpersonal effectiveness. This set of tools allows people to express their needs and desires in a way that promotes healthy communication.

Sometimes, individuals with BPD may rely too heavily on their partner to provide emotional rescue or co-regulation, which isn’t always practical. Co-regulation can be nice but isn’t sustainable as a primary strategy. By using interpersonal effectiveness skills, individuals can learn how to express their emotions and needs without expecting their partner to shoulder the emotional burden.

A helpful skill within interpersonal effectiveness is the DEAR MAN skill, which helps in conflict resolution and communication. It provides a structure to communicate needs and desires while respecting both parties assertively.

This skill becomes essential, especially in moments of conflict, where low self-worth or fear of abandonment may prevent someone from standing up for their needs. DEAR MAN helps prevent situations where both people in the relationship feel frustrated due to unmet expectations.

Mindfulness and Self-Care

Mindfulness is another fundamental DBT skill that can aid relationships. It involves being curious about emotions, recognising emotional discomfort, and understanding it without immediate judgment. By practising mindfulness, individuals with BPD can become more aware of how they feel and start to address their emotions before they spiral into intense reactions.

ABC PLEASE can also be truly useful here. It focuses on the importance of self-care. It emphasises the need for routines and practices that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as getting enough sleep, eating well, and treating physical illnesses. Staying on top of medication, if prescribed, is also part of the PLEASE skill, ensuring that one’s emotional state remains as stable as possible.

By solidifying a self-care routine, you create an emotional anchor, which helps keep a person grounded even during challenging times.When self-care is neglected, it’s much easier to become dysregulated and misinterpret interactions with a partner.

Radical Acceptance and Flexibility in Relationships

Finally, DBT emphasises the importance of radical acceptance and flexibility in relationships. Not every issue can be solved or changed, and sometimes, it’s about learning to accept differences without letting them harm the relationship. For instance, your partner might not share all your interests or preferences, but that’s okay. It’s important to acknowledge that two people can coexist with differing likes and dislikes, such as one partner enjoying sushi while the other doesn’t.

Check the facts can also be useful in these situations. It’s essential to step back and objectively assess whether a situation is as negative as it feels. By combining acceptance with fact-checking, individuals can find compromises and move forward without trying to force change. Practising coping skills is important, but having a supportive partner is also helpful.

What can help you feel supported by your partner

Having a partner who supports you when you have BPD can make a big difference. It’s not about them fixing everything but more about them being patient, kind, and understanding. Small things like being honest and calm during stressful times can really help.

It’s helpful when your partner doesn’t overreact. Instead, they give you a different perspective. Maybe they’ll say, “Have you thought about it this way?” That kind of calm and collected attitude can help you take a step back and not feel overwhelmed.

It’s really nice when your partner is willing to learn about BPD and listen to how you feel. They don’t need to be an expert, but having some understanding of your coping skills makes things easier. They’ve got your back, and that feels reassuring.

Being direct is another big thing. It helps when your partner says what they mean, without playing games or being passive-aggressive. This clear communication means you don’t have to guess what’s on their mind.

Consistency is important, too—it gives you a sense of stability. Sometimes, having a calm partner in stressful moments can help you feel more grounded. When they handle things calmly, it can set a good example and help you reel in your own emotions.

On the other hand, if your partner is also emotionally upset, it can make things harder for both of you. That’s why it’s helpful to be with someone who can stay collected.

In a way, your partner can be an anchor—someone you know you can return to when things get tough. They don’t have to be perfect, but their calm and steady presence can make a big difference.

Tips for having a stable & loving relationship

If you’re thinking about having a stable, loving relationship and you have BPD, it’s important to take your time and think about what you want in a partner. Be selective about the kind of person you want to be with. Having standards and deal breakers is okay—things you don’t want to experience again.

Before jumping into a relationship, spend some time by yourself. Use this time to reflect on your needs, values, and what’s important to you.

Write down your goals and think about what truly matters in your life. This can help you stay focused on the relationship you’re looking for and the kind of partner who would suit you best.

Don’t let the fear of being alone or fear of abandonment push you into a relationship that doesn’t feel right. You don’t have to settle for people who don’t respect your boundaries. Good things take time, so it’s okay to be patient with yourself and finding the right person.

Remember, you’re constantly growing and changing. The right person will come along when the time is right. Don’t let feelings of loneliness or depression cloud your judgment. It’s better to wait for a partner who aligns with your goals and values than to rush into something that doesn’t feel right.

Conclusion

Romantic relationships with BPD can feel overwhelming at times, but with the right skills, support, and self-awareness, a stable, loving relationship is possible.

Remember that emotions may run high, but by using tools like mindfulness and DBT skills, you can manage your feelings and communicate effectively with your partner. It’s important to have a partner who is patient, understanding, and willing to support you in healthy ways.

Take the time to reflect on your needs and goals. Be patient with yourself as you grow, and don’t rush into a relationship out of fear of being alone. You deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and love.

With time, the right partner will come along; when they do, you’ll be ready to build something substantial together. Focus on your personal growth, use the skills you’ve learned, and trust the process. A loving, supportive relationship is within reach.